Visionary Philosopher. ♥

Saturday.

Nothing much happened to me this few days,
so didn't blog much. Wake up, train, eat, sleep.
A quick blog before my training starts. :D

DotA friends message me asking whether I wanna
join them for dinner & drink.
Due to the boredam at home for the past few days.
I went out with them today to get some fresh air outside. (x

Met yunie at city hall starbucks.
Went to the wrong starbucks. -.-'
Took a walk back to city hall to meet him before making
our way to Paulaner Brauhuas.

Arrived early, alvin & japster had yet to arrive.
Headed to cheers to buy a packet of cigarette.
Went back to Paulaner at about 8pm.
No seats! omg wtf bbq.

Went down to the bar to sit while waiting for a table.
Chatted abit. 1st outing thou, but yet we talked
like as if we met up quite a couple of times.
A simple outing, yet I enjoyed my time.
The girls there was hot. :x

8.30pm,
table was ready, went up to get seated.
Order a don't know what the fuck sausage with pork.
12inch sausage.
At first, the pork look ridiculous,
but when it entered my mouth.
Oh my gosh, the taste was fantastic.
$28! -_-'

Half of my weekly allowance gone just like that.
Was a simple outing, after dinner, took a slow
walk back to city hall before heading home.

Awww. My life is getting from pathetic to chaos.
Nothing much to blog about. :D
Till I find some interest in my own life.

Back to training. (;
Toodies.

I AM MR. HAN ZHI :D

3:15 AM

Sunday!

For once, I'm feeling great on a sundays.
Watching some replays this morning, 2am.
Was exhausted, replay was half way through,
slept on my keyboard.

Drag myself to the bed & knock off at 3am or 4am.
Lost track of the time during the replay.
Was soooo deadbeat that I was semi sleeping throughout.
Didn't switch off my computer & tv till after I woke up
at 10am.

Feels good to wake up early in the morning
for once!
Due to the screwed up lifestyle I'm having right now,
its a miracle to sleep at such a timing & waking up
before 11am.

Was in a very good mood due to my sub-conscience.
After all this years, I finally found the main key
to oneself own happiness.

Sub-conscience is what brings the character out of you.
Its so easy that people often neglect their
sub-conscience. It was till then I tried to find out
the true meaning of that.

Many times when you think what you're gonna do is wrong,
but yet you're doing it.
Its only after doing it, you realize that you
wasn't thinking only what was is done.
The outcome of what was gonna happened
is all in your conscience, but you're just out of control.

When your emotional problems are getting the better of you.
You feel sad because you want to feel that way,
but if changed to the opposite, you're feel
extremely overwhelmed & its a great feeling.

Many times after my breakdown, I felt emotionally unstable.
Its only after the mindset is changed to the opposite
thinking, my life changed alot.
People interfered with my life, which was a good sign.
Keep me up, stand up tall & walk through those rocky paths.

Be happy, think happy thoughts, & you're feel the
greatness within your conscience.

People said ' I tried to, but I can't get over her/him '
Its all in your fucking useless damn brain.
That's what you wanna do, that's why you're so pathetic.

' I can't get over it after ample of times '
You're weak. C'mon, wake up.
Switch your pathetic left back to reality.
Its not the end of the world for fuck sake.

Trust me when I say so (:
No harm trying unless you plan to be stuck in
that fucking hole which no one even plan to help
you out if you're that stubborn & arrogant.

Friends, parents cry & suffer when they
see you at this kind of status.
But by the end of the day, its you whom will make the changes
to you life.

' Leave me alone, I just wanna be like this, I'll die without him/her '
Having this thoughts is what I call 'stupidity'
Who gives a shit if you're wasting your time on something
not worth having.

18th wishes.
A new start,
A new resolution,
Cherishing what is left,
Removing those nuisance around,
Stick together as one,
Bond like we didn't bond before.

&

last but not lest.

A new Me. (:

P.S to those who have hatred in me.
please carry on. x)
I won't mind.
I'll wave at you when I pass by changi resort.

I AM MR. HAN ZHI :D

3:04 AM

After everything that had happened few weeks ago.
I came to a stop whereby I think enough is enough.

Making decision is a huge responsibility,
yet, it seems so hard to make the real choice.
It was a respect given that made the way she want it to be.
Drafting further and further as day pass.
Switching back to reality, cramp up at home.
Work, or not to work.
Its the holiday session again and I'm worried about what
is to be done during the break.
Whats worst is what will be done after National Service.

She made the move,
She took the 1st step,
She decided what is to be done.

And sometimes, the truth hurts.
Doubt about words spoken out whole-heartedly
isn't hurtful, but negative respond upon what
was told truthfully replied back in an unexpected way.

Oneself lost faith in everything during the 1st experience,
but yet, many overcome that phobia and move on with life.
Seems so easy, yet so difficult to accomplish

Tried to move on, but it hurts just to see
the atmosphere changing so rapidly.
It was just a wishful dream..
I'll take it as a well taught lesson.
1st wasn't good enough. 2nd was improving.
3rd won't be a mistake.
Pester no more. x)

After what happened this morning.
Slept at 7am. Woke up at 9am.
Teacher called & whine on the phone about me not going to school
for today's term test.
Mistaken by what was said to my father from my teacher.

I got a 30mins techno from him.
It's really screwed up when oneself doesn't get the facts right
before scolding.
What could be done was to get up which was not necessary.
Its was an ONLINE test.

Teachers asked for attention from students is pretty obvious they can't make the lesson interesting for us to give him the attention he needs.
And therefore whine about the grades during term test or whatever it is.

Another year has passed,
with nothing special to celebrate about.
Losing grip of the rope tied onto them...

I AM MR. HAN ZHI :D

2:32 AM

Monday!

Post regarding Saturday & Sunday's chalet.
Was too exhausted yesterday, so didn't find time to post. x)
Well, there goes.

Saturday! 15.o3.2oo8.
( Pictures uploaded will be at original size, if its too big. Close this window (x )
18years. How time flies.
Was thinking back during my 15th birthday,
when could I you know what, do it legally without
worrying if police or HSA came to ask for IC.
Now today is the day where I could do it openly.

Woke up at 2pm. Bath, got ready before leaving for
the chalet with my grandma & bro at 2.30pm.

3pm. Reached at Downtown East, check in to the chalet.
Rest for awhile.
Parents came at 3.30pm. Slept in the chalet before
the BBQ started.

4pm. The food finally came.
Relatives came 1st, followed by my tuition teacher.
Started the fire with my dad.

BBQ started at exactly 5.30pm.
Maple friends & friends was late. As usual,
so who cares, ate with my relative & tuition teacher.
It was a blessing I invited them too.
Otherwise, I would be lonely at the chalet.

6pm. pzpzpzpzpz came.
Ate abit & chatted for awhile before
dear ( Nezha ) & babytianshi came.
Not long after,
linnie, en, jen, en's sister & shino came along.

Too bad, not much good food was left. x(
So they are the leftover. Haas. But it was filling too.
Slack & chat till 11pm before cutting the birthday cake!
Oh my gosh, 2nd time.
I was shivering >.<
Don't wanna elabrate much, the following photos will
roughly give you a view idea how it went. :D

Cake bought by Linnie, en & Shino. Thanks. x)

Myself with dear ( xxNe369ZhAxx ) & linnie behind hiding! >:(

1am!
Wash up! Went into the chalet to watch TV.
Took 1hour to shower off those smell from my hair. Oh my gosh!
The smell, the cream.
1month of pimple cream! Don't wanna go out!
My face is gonna be screw up after today.

2am.

AppleBao ( Kelvin ) & ooSanTaiZioo ( Jeff )
Came with a bottle of martell!
Drinking time started. But didn't drink much.
Kelv force me to drink 3 glass of martell on rock. T_T
It was burning my whole body.
Went to bought green tea to mix abit.

3am.

Bro ( Xaeus04 aka jack ), Toh ( HSpearManH ) & Diana ( Nonsense )
Came.
I told bro to buy green tea. Not another bottle of martell! -.-
Well, anyway. Tsk tsk.

' 18th birthday, never drunk, don't go home ' : Said my bro.
Shag.

Sat down to drink.
Randy, kelv, toh, bro, dear, diana, linnie, en & zizu.
Our drinking club!

After an hour of drinking. Most of us were drunk.
Randy & bro, as usual drunken talking.
Spouting nonsense. Was entertaining,
everyone in the chalet was laughing their ass out.
Lets see some pics of those drunken people. x)

Our old bird! Kelvin & Jeff, old people are always shy with the camera.

HSpearManH!

Randy! xBlueblack! Semi Drunken.

Bro & Me! (x

Martell brought by Bro & Kelv.

Myself, randy & bro. Both monkeying around.

My past, my bro, myself. (;

Bro & Kelv forcing me to drink martell on rock. T_T

Kelv & Me. (;

Bro, Myself, Kelv, Jeff & Randy's back view! Our drinking club.

Lastly.
I would like to thank those who attended this chalet.
Your attendance was very much apperciated.
Thou, those expected to come didn't turn up
& those unexpected friends who turn up.
I would like to thank you again for giving me
a memorable birthday celebration!

- Jack ( Bro )
- Randy ( xBlueblack )
- Toh ( HSpearManH )
- Kelvin ( AppleBao )
- Jeffrey ( ooSanTaiZioo )
- Dear ( xxNe369ZhAxx )
- Keat ( XiaoZiZu )
- Kar Ming ( pzpzpzpzpz )
- Ying ( baBytiaNsHi )
- Linnie ( MisssyLin )
- Diana ( Nonsense )
- En ( OoabcoO )
- Jen ( OoabcoO 2nd user )
- Tutu78
- En's sister
- ShiNo

I AM MR. HAN ZHI :D

7:14 PM

Wednesday!

Nearly overslept again.
But thankful to my grandma. She woke me up just in time for me to leave home to sit for my exams. (x

Shower, get changed, tie my hair, off to school.

1pm,

Went into class. Waited for the teacher to pass us the materials.
Stress. ~_~
Saw the work piece. Pause for a moment before getting started.
5hours passed, finally done with the practical.

Fingers sore, blister.
Pack up. & for no reason. My mood swing.
While tidying up the wires.
It was in a mess.
& at that point of time.
My life with the wires had something in common.
Its in a mess.

I don't know which way to go, untieing myself from the dilemma.
Every night before my eyes close.
I can see us sitting on the countryside,
laying side by side.

Its just I want. Which will never come true.
Just let me enjoy those moments. (;
That's all I ask from you.
Its not easy to recover from your 1st wound.

Understood, it takes time. But, is it worth the while?
At this kind of age...
I seriously believe in enjoying your youth,
with the one you love. If you have any.

Thou lesson learned, patients earned.
To wait for the next thing in life.
I just wanna be my old self. I really do.
I'm not moving further from you,
you're just pushing me away from you.

If I wrote you a love note, & made you smile at every word I wrote.
(what would you do?)
Would that make you wanna change your scene
& wanna be the one on my team?

If I wrote you a symphony,
Just to say how much you mean to me, baby its true.

I AM MR. HAN ZHI :D

5:53 AM

Tuesday.

Chosen this song for a reason.
Lyrics are meaningful. (x Enjoy.

Woke up late for class. Overslept,
so didn't went to school.

Lucky, friend called & said they're not gonna attend class.
Unlucky, hope the letter from the school doesn't come.

Well anyway, nothing to do in maple, so went to DotA.
Played throughout till 9pm.
Slack-ed in game.

But, most of my buddies were afk.
So, went over to msn to ask some friends if they were free to join me for a game or two in dota. (x

Played 1 round, 1hour game. -_-'
Went back maple for my zak.
Disappointment, again & again.

1st Batch, looted nothing.
2nd Batch, looted a skill which I have complete no use of it.

My retribution.
Didn't go to school, so no triple throw. )x

Believing in karma since the 1st breakdown.
I passed her blog, saw things that were not meant to be seen.
Well, I can't run from the problems.
So, I just read it.
Controlling my emotional feelings was put to the test.
I couldn't handle it, closed it.

People used to tell me about those stuffs
to keep me going on.
Envy me for?

In front, I'm living happily.
What happens after that? No one knows.
4days to birthday.
Sometimes, I feel excited, but then again..
I ain't looking forward to it.
Some friends which I hope to see isn't coming.

I just hope this 18th birthday isn't gonna be turn off...
I hope..

...

To love,
you must 1st love yourself, so they say.
But by loving yourself, whats the % of her loving you back..

Back to square one.
Rejection sure is hard to take.
Change me back if you don't want it to be this way.
I'm going berserk over what is happening,
just so you know.
I'm all about you.

...

I AM MR. HAN ZHI :D

3:02 AM

Monday.

5days to big day.
Waiting outside zakum's altar.
Frustrated over the triple throw, wondering when will I get it.

I wanna train.
As day go by, I login to rot.
& over seeing stuffs that were not meant to be seen.
Pissed off, but yet, can't do a shit about it.

Its been a long time since I experienced stuffs,
that I can't handle it properly.

Well, and they say to let fate decide out destiny.
I think its nothing but just full of rubbish.
There's nothing in this world that cannot be done as long as you believe,
so they say.

Sometime, I just wonder, if that step I took towards
the path which my heart told me to was really the way I want it.

To consider that person's situation, background, status.
Its just a crush, no love is involve.

But to love, no lovers will consider any situation
each will make them feel better.
Because it was love that brought them together.

True love is hard to find.
I'm beginning to understand the meaning.
One sided love is nothing.

Hard to find, yet harder to hold.
I'll leave if you would tell me to.
' I ain't loving you no more '

If you could say this straight in my face.
I'll go, otherwise, its that 1% that keeps me going on.

Love, means giving someone the ability to hurt you,
but trusting they won't.

I'll bear all abilities given if that could make you mine. (;
Your signs of getting irritated & frustrated are there.
I understand, I'll make that move. Harass you no more.

...

I got to move on & be who I am,
I just don't belong here, I hope you understand,
we might find our place in this world someday,
but at least for now..

I gotta go my own way...

...

Despite of everything you done,
eventually, they'll hate you.

I AM MR. HAN ZHI :D

6:41 PM

Saturday.

Woke up late for my outing.
2pm, called randy, went to shower & get ready.

3pm, randy phone off. nb jiby.
Pissed off, went off without him.
Waited for the bus, he called, told him I'm on the way to town.
So decided to meet him there.

Met linnie, saw my princess for awhile thou.
Just awhile. :P
Went to ps to grab something to eat while waiting.
Talked to linnie about 30mins before my phone ring again.

Headed back to bunk to meet randy.
Waited for zizu, he took damn long. So we went to clock.

7pm, walk to Cathay, half way through, zizu said go check PS's time slot.
Turn back, went to PS.

Full, Sold out, Filling fast.
Fuck it. U-turn back to Cathay.
Bought 11.30pm show. 10,000 bc.

8pm. 3hours to go. -_-'
Went to lanshop opps parklane. Played counterstrike with
linnie, randy, zizu & teng sheng.
LOL, it was fun though. (; old school game.
Played till 11pm before paying & went back to Cathay
for our movie.

Got seated early.
For that short period of time.
Sudden thinking just flashes back into my mind.
Cried, bow head low, didn't wanna be spotted with tears.

Its amazing how time flies as the feeling fades.
Love, crush, I don't know.
You were the light in my heart that will never go off,
no matter how much water you pour.
It will shine, the light will always be there.

You're all I think about.
Its my part, I think too much.
Especially when the thinking is impossible.
The pain hurts alot. Trying to accept it.
I don't wish to be like this. But I know I gotta try, somehow. I must.

You're so near, but yet so far.
Its time...

to say farewell.
I shouldn't expect much, so you say.

Just so you know,
I'm craving for what you can give me. (;

I AM MR. HAN ZHI :D

3:46 AM

Friday.

Woke up at 3pm. Skipped lesson.
Couldn't wake up. Missed my exams. Haas.

Was too pissed of over what happened yesterday,
couldn't get to sleep untill 6am.
Lay on bed for 2hours staring, thinking,
wondering.

I broke my promise by using vulgarities on the opposite sex.
Regretted alot.
I'm a person with an attitude that no one can ever changed me.
Its what I am, can't live with it, so be it.
Get lost, move far, avoid me.

I'm your friend,
I'm your buddy,
I'm your brother.

I'm there when you're down. But I just hate the
way you treated me.
I'm not someone for you to vent your emotional break down,
frustration & anger.
If you have a problem, you talk nicely.
I won't mean entertaining your problem. But please,
don't use me as your punching bag.
I don't tolerate this kind of bullshit.
When you're bored, you look for me.
When you're surrounded with guys whom you wish to be with.
I'm a nobody.

How many times I tried to control my anger.
But maybe that's you. I tried to accept you for who you are.
It reach a limit whereby I can't take it anymore.
I took more then a step back from you.
I don't wish to get hurt again. Its hard to accept the fact
that you're no longer into those times where
we used to enjoy being together.

Girls complain about guys.
Guys too, on the other hand complain about girls.

But the problem isn't with any of them,
its how the situation falls into.

Lovers will always stay strong till
the Love is gone.

From lovers. Protect the L.
Before its over.

But I don't stand a chance to hold that letter L in
my place. Insomnia.
I wish I could just tell you why.
I'm feeling so awkward.

Some say, let fate decide you ways.
Fate? where to find fate if the chance isn't there for you to grab.
Love can't be forced, understandable.
That's why I sit here, from the very back.
Looking at you when you smile
with a beautiful face.

Its time to move on, but I can't move on
till what I wish to say be said.

....

I want you not because you're who I thought you are,
Its because you spotted me when I was invisible.

I AM MR. HAN ZHI :D

3:20 AM

Wednesday morning.

Goodness, its 5.12am now, just finished training.
Since theres no school tomorrow, I'm gonna have a good sleep tonight.
Still, have to wake up at 12noon for my training. ;x

Back to games is great, i miss the old days,
but I'm back to the usual days where people claim as.
'Lifeless'

Well, who cares, as long as i'm happy with it.
I don't see why i need to please those around me. (;

But, playing games. Often i get caught up it with till
i neglected those friends i'm close with.
11days to big day, & i don't know why am i not feeling excited.

Too many things are happening & i don't wish to celebrate a
lousy 18th birthday.
I just wish i could turn back the clock when the thoughts
are just about you & me.

I need it so badly.. But its just a wishful dream.
Many times i tried to get close, but those around you,
just drag me down.

Confused, putting a strong front, but deep down.
I'm blank.
Maybe thats what you are. Its time i start to accept it.
But by accepting it, will what i hope to have come to me?

....

Learning throught love experience is diffcult,
but its only when mistakes won't be repeated.
Putting the heart to the test,
is the risk i must take.
I can't understand why can't one just be with the one they wish to be with.
Instead of having many.

But to any situation, your rejects
just won't let the heart start.
The moments were to be used to make
its move, but its when, you took the step
to push the away the followed footsteps.

I wish everything will be what i wish for
on the very day. 15th march.

18years living in this world.
This is the worse upcoming birthday feeling i'm currently going throught.

....

your actions were my everything.
your words is what i pray for.
your appearance is what i'm in need for.
your smile is all i ever need.

you're just the one i wanna be with.

I AM MR. HAN ZHI :D

5:22 AM

Tuesday. ~_~
was waken up by grandmother to eat lunch.
a quick blog! xD

11more days to big day!

I'm not sure if what I'm blogging now is completely facts.
Cause I just woke up, & my mind is currently not working so well.
I'm still semi-waken.

Went to school at 1pm to take my phase test.
Was nervous, didn't had any clue of what kind of test it was. ;x
My attendance in my school speaks for itself.

Well, before I went in, friend told me it was easy.
Indeed, it was ;x
Completed everything within 2mins, hand up to teacher
& left for home at 1.15pm.

Went online awhile. Then went to sleep. x)
Didn't sleep for like 24hours. Suffering from insomnia again.
Tsk tsk.

But not totally. I went to dreamland for a short period of
2hours from 4am-6am.
I love it alot. It was an amazing dream I had. :D
HAHA, for me to know, for you to find out.

But still, some say dreams are opposite of reality.
I hope not. :(
I want that dream to be reality. I seriously love it.
Then suddenly woke up at 6am. Pissed off.
Thought I could live in fantasy for like forever.
Trained with my bro till 12noon, rest for awhile
before my shower then off to school.

Smoking kills, I could feel my lungs aren't feeling the same no more.
For a moment, I was happy.
I could leave this pathetic world.
I just can't take the pressure anymore. I don't wanna continue this.

But, the things around me just pushed me to up...

I don't know what to do. I think I'll stop here..
Back to dreamland. x) Its better there.

...

I'm 99% sure you don't like me,
but its the 1% that keeps me hanging on.

I AM MR. HAN ZHI :D

4:39 PM